Godzilla vs. the Tetley Bittermen

[hirez]

(Because. Reproduced w/o permission.)

This being the true story of the day a 90ft tall fire-breathing real-man eater came to Bradford on a YOP course and got pasted.

Screeching hate the scraper-breaking hyper-dragon
descends on Bradford looking for a scrap
He slaps the nut on a block of flats
'Take that!' he snorts and Bradford trembles
Doors are locked and trousers shat
Except in one pub
The Charles Bronson Arms
Where swarms of sweat-sodden Tetley Bittermen
are too pissed to hear the heavy footsteps crunching the cobblestones
like a child munching Seabrook crisps
A scaly head lisps 'Come and fight you so-called Yorkshiremen!'
The Tetley Bittermen reply as one
'Piss off git'
Oscar Wilde's got nowt on these lads
Godzilla's lost for words
'Think you're hard? You bloody dragon
Poncing in here with your Esther Rantzen haircut
and your garlic-smelling breath
Well I'll tell you this
We may be pissed
And you might be a scaly scaled up fire-breathing real-man eater
but any one of us lads could beat you into bloody lard
with one hand tied behind us back
and us head inside a Morrisons carrier bag'
Godzilla stopped and thought (well you would do, wouldn't you?)
A Bitterman moved nearer
Godzilla runs - out the door
The Bitterman hits the floor - unconscious
Not from fear mind you but a packet of crisps
and 68 pints
All of which just goes to prove
You don't mess with Tetley Bittermen
'Cos a Tetley Bitterman never loses.

(Seething Wells, from 'The rising sons of ranting verse' 1985)