Pills and Soap

[hirez]

A couple of days in, and have I been troubled by a flattened affect, trouser-area bother or my brains leaking out of my ears?

No.

I'm not yet convinced about the claim that 'just having them there' can help, but the absence of fear is... Really very pleasant.

And also strangely horrible because it's obvious that I've been coping with low-level anxiety for a Very Long Time indeed and that's just rubbish. As if one were working somewhere shite and having to put up with allegedly 'popular' music on the wireless. You may imagine that I've just panelled the bloody thing flat, have a lump-hammer and a slighly manic glint in my eye and the people I work with are grinning nerviously and backing for the exit.

Only I don't work there.

Yesterday, for instance, I pottered (carefully, though it was grey, it was still too bright for my medicated eyeballs and I couldn't focus to read, um, anything) from the eye hospital toward Baldwin street. Ordinarily I'd have made a beeline for the bus and that would be an end to it. This time I stopped and looked at the old city gates, wandered round the back of the Guildhall because there was an interesting alley and was just calmly and cheerfully interacting with the world, rather than it being slightly forced.

It was pretty much like that post-counselling, so it seems to me that it's not a terrible and flattened headspace to be in. I shall trust that it all works in the same manner of 'throwing yourself at the ground and missing'.

(You'll note that my entries get longer when I'm better able to cope with the world.)

Two things spring to mind. One is that despite the NHSeses best effort to give me a migraine, apparently I only have ocular hypertension and they don't want to see (haw!) me again for a twelvemonth. Which explains the medicated eyeballs. I mean, the last time I was that saucer-eyed it had cost me a fiver.

You know, the entire experience would have been a lot more fun if one had been able to swap the relevant drugs.

Anyway. The 'slightly forced' thing sounds a bit odd when I think about it. I mean, I can only be me, right? Well, perhaps not.

There's the 'me' that gets talked about on the internet, which has about as much to do with reality as I do. This is pretty normal. We've all got one of those.

There's also this other 'me' that I sometimes remember how to get right.

It struck me this morning that it feels a lot like playing GTn, but being unable to keep up with the ghost car. Of course that ghost car is only yourself having managed a far better lap, but you just can't remember what you did to make that lap special.

Or something a lot like that.

Comments

[jendama.livejournal.com]

Did you wear sunglasses or walk about and let folk see your big spooky eyes?

[hirez.livejournal.com]

I had to wear sunglasses. You know the 'scrunch eyes up and sneeze' bright-sunlight reflex? Entirely not working. I mean, I could feel it trying very hard, but my eyeballs just weren't going to play.

[jendama.livejournal.com]

I get an odd pleasure out of my photic sneeze reflex. Yours did not trigger? Interesting. Must have been the medicine. (I always get a nasty headache afterward.)

[wehmuth.livejournal.com]

I like the ghost car analogy a lot.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Ta.

[jarkman.livejournal.com]

Does that hypertension thing mean you're a glaucoma risk ? I probably don't need to tell you to be careful about that.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

No. Well, sort of. The pressure in my eyeballs is a point above average, which is why it's hypertension rather than glaucoma.

[reddragdiva]

Good one :-) How's the writing going on drugs?

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

"You'll note that my entries get longer when I'm better able to cope with the world."

This is always a good thing. Huzzah dear. Be well. XX

[eljaydaly.livejournal.com]

Nice to see you out and about, and I'm glad you're doing well.

[ladycat.livejournal.com]

Ooo, your entries are sounding lots more like you when you're cheery in real life too. So, are durrrgs are a good thing? :-)

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Good. Thank you.

The correct drugs at the correct time are in general f-ing excellent.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

That's the plan.

(To stretch an analogy to breaking point, VPX was me doing a really good lap.)

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

VPX was me doing a really good lap

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

VPX was me doing a really good lap

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

Um, yeah--don't know why that just did that. What should have followed that quote should have been:
I think that could be said about many of us on the Vineyard that week. XX

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Perhaps so, although I hope not. I wouldn't want to relegate anyone else to feeling that their talent was getting sidetracked by failing to deal with real life.

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

I think many of us were feeling sidetracked (for many reasons) and in need of a place to re-evaluate this writing thing we do. I'm glad you are getting on track now, sorting through things, dealing with things that need dealing with. Personally, I think you are quite brave and completely fabulous.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Ta.

I don't feel brave, mind. If I was actually brave I would have... (Cont. P.94)

[bogwitch64.livejournal.com]

brave, fabulous AND funny. What more can one ask?

[mindygoth.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say thanks for posting about this. Made me realise this horrible persistant "fight or flight" mode was not something I should be living with - *joins the ranks of beta blocker takers*

[hirez.livejournal.com]

No problem at all.

It's just rubbish isn't it?

[mindygoth.livejournal.com]

Aye it is that....

But also comforting to know there is something that helps beyond having to ride through it and wait for it to ease off.

Course now begins the experiment of exactly how much to take, as my doc told me that the dose that helps an individual can be anything from 10mg to 140mg - lol

Also having to have thyroid tests as aparently hyperthyroidism can produce very similar symptoms.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Let's hope the useful dose is towards the lower bound.

(and it is really just for use until yr psyche forgets about having a panic, obv.)

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

I understand completely. XXX

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Jolly good. Feel free to email if you need more rambling.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

That might be a good idea. I do really want to chat to people who understand how this whole thing goes...