This bus-charming man

[hirez]

Years and years ago, uk_jon and I came up with the cod-philosophical concept of 'Smoking a cigarette to make the bus come'. As might be obvious, we seemed to be spending rather too much useful drinking time hanging around near windswept Cheltenham bus-stops in the depths of winter, waiting for the sodding bus to turn up. And like as not sail past since it was a small bus[1] and already full.

The concept is pretty simple: spark up a tab and the bus will hove into view. However, if you spark up on purpose then the Bus Gods will know and the damn vehicle will not arrive. Thus you have to cultivate a level of knowing unknowingness in order to perform successful bus-charming.[2] Given the state of the beer and other things we were consuming, it wasn't that hard.

It also works with computers and (apparently) central heating boilers.


[1] There was a point in the mid eighties when the corporation decided that the poor people weren't getting to their shop-assistanting, waitressing and cleaning jobs fast enough, thus preventing the rich people from spending money and giving a bad impression of Cheltenham. Since they all lived on twisty little estates that proper buses couldn't get around, the corporation bought a set of jumped-up minibuses and used those instead. They seemed to be called 'hoppas' or 'shoppas' or something equally crap.

[2] Mentioning 'the game' is likely not a good idea.

Comments

[markeris.livejournal.com]

"Years and years ago, uk_jon and I came up with the cod-philosophical concept of 'Smoking a cigarette to make the bus come'. As might be obvious, we seemed to be spending rather too much useful drinking time hanging around near windswept Cheltenham bus-stops in the depths of winter, waiting for the sodding bus to turn up. And like as not sail past since it was a small bus[1] and already full.

The concept is pretty simple: spark up a tab and the bus will hove into view. However, if you spark up on purpose then the Bus Gods will know and the damn vehicle will not arrive. Thus you have to cultivate a level of knowing unknowingness in order to perform successful bus-charming.[2] Given the state of the beer and other things we were consuming, it wasn't that hard."

I have indepently spent the last decade honing this as well. I have found the trick is to somehow influence as many people in the queue to spark up at the same time (without, obviously, letting yourself and therefore The Universe actually realise what you are up to) thus providing the Bus Gods with a sacrificial offering too large to turn down.

[dedbutdrmng.livejournal.com]

I'm aware of the Tab Law but accidentally discovered another way of making a bus appear. This is the magic of 'Weasel, Stoat, Crow'.

To perform this incantation you first assume the position (Stood in a star shape, legs and arms apart.) You then shout. as loudly as you dare. 'WEASEL. STOAT. CROW.'

In invariably works. It does seem the likelihood of a bus turning up is in direct proportion to A) how loud you shout and B) how many people witness it and shake their heads presuming you to be some sort of nutjob.

[sushidog.livejournal.com]

I think if you incant "Oh, fuck it, I've got time for a fag", that generally does the trick. In my experience, at any rate.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

I guess it's a kind of quasi-applied Sod's Law.

[tails-redux.livejournal.com]

Aye ... tried and trusted, but adjusted for our modern age ... smoke outside the bus shelter. Found the perfect skill is to time it so the bus arrives by the time the cigarette is finished.

Worry if someone lights up a cigar.

Next we'll be talking about pennies to the Road God of Hitching.

[squiddity.livejournal.com]

We referred to the thingies as a 'stick of bus summoning +4' for that very reason.

Mentioning 'the game' is likely not a good idea.

Yes, you'd be surprised what random elements of your audience will huff or make dissatisfied noises.

[jozafeen.livejournal.com]

The little buses in Sheffield used to be branded as 'Eager Beavers' - this was amusing to those with small and smutty minds.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

Yup, me too.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Quite. Me, for a start.

Although. The contemplation of bus-charming is likely a reasonable memetic counter for the other thing.

[serpentstar.livejournal.com]

cavalorn used to do exactly the same thing. I likely would too, if I'd ever smoked. I think it's a pretty standard piece of Discordian hedge magick, really.

[markeris.livejournal.com]

it would be a poor discordian indeed who didn`t work this one out from first principles ;-)

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Oh bloody hell. Really?

I/we just thought it was some reasonably obvious reality-hacking.

(Although not in so many words at the time.)

[steer.livejournal.com]

Sorry, it's a well-known corollary of Murphy's law that it doesn't work in reverse. You cannot, for example, wash your car if you want it to rain.

[miss-soap.livejournal.com]

In London they have 'Dial-A-Ride' which rather puts me in mind of something different.

And yes, bus charming by cigarette is a heady youthful memory.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Quite. As I point out, it doesn't work if you do it on purpose.

[sheepthief.livejournal.com]

Surely everyone who smoked and used buses came up with that one? Convergent evolution perhaps.

[sheepthief.livejournal.com]

It was PMT in my neck of the woods.

[reddragdiva]

I think the point is that if the bus comes, you've got a bus, and if it doesn't, you've had a fag.

[tails-redux.livejournal.com]

If the world stopped smoking, would the buses run?

[hirez.livejournal.com]

That would be an ecumenical matter.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

There was an odd homunculus called WMPTE that used to ply some foul trade on the television in the old days. Probably because we got midlands telly.

[echo-echo.livejournal.com]

I am laughing out loud in the middle of the night. That the concept of bus charming exists and that it is indeed an ecumenical matter tickles my fancy no end.

[echo-echo.livejournal.com]

Well looking at it logically:

a) Light fag and bus come immediately, so you lose the fag but gain the bus
b) Light fag and bus doesn't come, but you've had a fag
c) Light fag, and bus comes just after you stub it out.
d) You have run out of fags but the bus comes anyway
e) You have run out of fags and the bus doesn't come

The trade off of a seems fair and indication that the Gods are pleased with your sacrifice. It is when people want c that the problems start. This seems to displease the Gods so one should not be greedy and accept an either/or compromise of bus or fag, but not expect both as that can lead to situation e.

I'm sure there is a book in there somewhere about the olde Gods of the London transport system.