The war against toilet terror

[hirez]

As any sensible person is aware, the war between the bogroll alignment factions is a ceaseless struggle between the benighted heretics (those who believe bog-paper is best dealt from behind and underneath the roll. You wouldn't stand for that sort of behaviour while playing cards.) and the forces of light and reason. (bog-paper arrives in front of the roll as man and nature intended)

The designer of the 'Cormatic' industrial twin-roll bogroll dispenser was clearly a sound and far-sighted sort of the latter school, since it can only work, and indeed rotate the backup roll through the mechanism in order to present it when the primary one is exhausted, in the correct front-loading manner.

However, it seems that of late the cleaning staff have been infiltrated by fifth columnists unaware of both good taste and sound engineering principles, since one regularly finds the dispensers have been loaded in the heretical style, which means they won't work unless you stab a sharp knife into the works. Even then it's a battle to extract the bogroll in any sort of sensible manner.

I'm going to have to steal a bogroll dispenser key. It's the only way.

Comments

[eljaydaly.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been infiltrated by rear-loading infidels. The bastards!

[mog-warbeast.livejournal.com]

I occasionally find myself somewhat baffled by the need for bogroll dispenser keys. I understand that in some situations low blackguards might make off with the precious and valuable bogroll, but I generally find that I only think it would be handy to own such a key when the bogroll in the dispenser has run out, but there is a spare one resting on the cistern. (This, of course, being large and unwieldy industrial bogrolls rather than the easily unrolled home type.)

[perlmonger.livejournal.com]

if you can be arsed to fill it in, I've posted a poll (http://perlmonger.livejournal.com/118845.html) on this issue.

Only one answer is correct, of course.

[thegreatgonzo.livejournal.com]

I'm going to have to steal a bogroll dispenser key. It's the only way.

Or go on a bloody murdering spree and route out the fifth columnists with extreme prejudice.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Ha! Find the unbeliever and lock it in a cubicle with the malfunctioning bogroll-engine until it works it out for itself.

Although we're dealing with belief rather than reason here. It might be a long wait.

[thegreatgonzo.livejournal.com]

If you are indeed up against someone engaged in a ideological crusade to force the rest of the world to adopt their false dogma there could be a whole world of pain.

[girfan.livejournal.com]

Is this why our bog roll holder isn't fixed to the wall? ;)

[jarkman.livejournal.com]

Steal ? Shurely your multitool already has a suitable nadget for the purpose ?

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Hm. Might be able to bodge it with needle (nardle noo) nosed pliers.

[mr-tom.livejournal.com]

Clearly the death of the (proper industrail) shiny white has had unforseen consequences. Unexpected rear-loaders? You've never had it so good!

[sushidog.livejournal.com]

Rear-loading makes sense if one has cats, but otherwise front-loading is clearly right and proper.

[jenwrites.livejournal.com]

Go fellow heretics! Bwah ha ha!

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

I've been carrying one of those keys for years. A key to most paper towel dispensers is also good.

[quercus.livejournal.com]

which means they won't work unless you stab a sharp knife into the works
This also applies to our photosensitive flyspray airfreshener aerosol dispensers. They're cunningly designed so that when first seeing light after a long silence they trigger into a refreshing (or rather, choking) spray; i.e. whenever anyone is in there, rather than when anyone has just left.

It's a bit like Windows XP really. The best time to download new bugs, archive the Outhouse mailspool, do all that slow tedious boring archivery, is apparently immediately after bootup. Or "When I'm busy and in a hurry", as it's better known.

By careful use of the bogkey, then the sharp knife into the vitals, this can be avoided in a manner that's not apparent to the untrained observer.
I must try and find the equivalent for Windows.

[quercus.livejournal.com]

nadget.

A most excellent word! I shall take it with me and use it always.


PS - I finished the excellent Larklight (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0747584400/codesmiths) last night. Shall I circulate it to Mr JHR. ?

[aoakley.livejournal.com]

However, it seems that of late the cleaning staff have been infiltrated by fifth columnists unaware of both good taste and sound engineering principles, since one regularly finds the dispensers have been loaded in the heretical style

This is because the cleaning staff are invariably women, who, in my experience having lived with about six of the damn things, never fucking reload the bog roll anyway, as if some kind of feminist protest against housework (which would be a lot easier to take seriously if any of them actually used the vaccuum frequently enough to know how to unblock it and reload the bag), so I suppose one should be thankful that yours load it at all.

As a student I protested by creating a beehive nursery hex stack of the empty loo rolls in the window, until it looked like Stig Of The Dump had gone through a jam-jar shortage. This attracted no end of spiders, to which the bloody women objected, as per plan. I bargained to refrain from stacking empty rolls if, and only if, full rolls were both a) loaded immediately upon emptying even if one had co-incidentally [a likely story, hmph] finished their wipe at the exact moment the old roll ended, and b) in the correct top-over-and-forward fashion.

Neither wife v1 nor v2 reload the bog roll at all, or at least not with any consistent frequency, which is why our spare rolls are clearly displayed behind the pan for ease of access. Behind and to the opposite side to which I dress, for obvious 3am-wee-in-the-dark-misfire reasons (heck, that's why we have a pedestal mat; if nothing ever missed the pan, we wouldn't need a fucking mat, woman).

[kissmeforlonger.livejournal.com]

I think you're being a bit anal.

Re: Hey...

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Advanced bog-synchronicity.

It's like seeing the fnords. Once you're in the headspace to understand schroedinger's cider-puking crustie and the fact that all suburban metal nites are joined through that one point in space/time, other bogs tend to resonate in sympathy and generate peculiar timing artifacts. There's probably some theory of quantum cubicle entanglement that one could use for communication.

[jarkman.livejournal.com]

Good. I trust it will bring you joy and luck.

Oh, I think he will enjoy it. Or, just possibly, hate it, but in an amusing way. We can't lose.

In other popular-media news, I have just been to see Transformers. It is a great and wondrous thing, and you should go see it at once. Bearing in mind that it is ridiculous and laughable, of course. But in a good way.

[hazeii.livejournal.com]

Personal 10-sheet packs of moisturising Andrex fluffiness, I carry them always.

(Makes shitting in the forest much less of a challenge, though I do feel bad about the smell - the eau-de-moisturiser really must put the burying beetles off).