London Crawling

[hirez]

It's pretty fucking fucked, frankly. I was (so far as I can remember. A lot of the fun I had has faded into the background because of the continued nastiness.) having a damn good time in London, until it all went Horribly Wrong. Get over it? I hope so... Though I have no real idea how.



I'd been doing recreational amounts (ie - not much) of for the first half of 1999. Felt a lot drained on the Mondays, but nothing I'd not experienced before. But toward the middle of the year, it had started to become... Uncomfortable getting to work. (Work then was near the Gloucester Road tube and took 3/4-hour on a good day) Several times I'd had to dive out of the train @ Euston to make a dash for the bog because I was convinced my bum was going to give way. (Classic panic attacks, by and large) That got worse fairly rapidly - It would take a couple of attempts to get up to Highgate tube in the AM and I'd be a gibbering wreck from about 4pm onwards when I did make it into work. The terror and adrenaline rushes had pretty much caused me to stop eating in any rational manner - I was either wound up and close to puking at any sign of food, or near comatose due to a blood-sugar trough.

Finally, I took a week off at the end of August to try to get my head back together. Failed. I think I blew out a DJing gig @ Infest because it was further away than the end of the street.

There was no way I was going to make it into work on the Monday after. Got as far as Leicester Square and turned tail, stopping only to make an appointment to see my GP. Who signed me off sick indefinitely within seconds of seeing me, because I had a full-blown panic attack in the waiting room. (I think he was surprised I was still alive)

Work were... Surprisingly ok about it. I could work from home until my head was right again. And, after about six weeks, the NHS chimed in with a referral form to see a psychologist. In Tottenham. I could still about stand to drive to the end of the road. Tottenham might as well have been on bloody Mars for all the use that was.

So I found a therapist in Crouch End who'd ben recommended to me by Alien, and we tried to find out what was wrong, and devise some strategies for coping with the problem.

Meanwhile... There are weekends. Social engagements. Slimelight. All on the far end of a tube-ride. Couldn't stand to turn up to any of them. People in general failed to Get It and thought I was just being an awkward bastard. (So no change there, then...) Meanwhile, the yo-yo blood sugar continued to confuse the hell out of the rest of my system, so I turned into a junior lard-monster within the space of a few months. Which meant I stopped fitting into anything I'd care to wear out anyway.

Eventually, I could just about hack Slimelight, but that involved guzzling a tin of Stella and two Nurofen-plus tablets before leaving the house. The codeine in them gave me enough of the warm-fuzzies that I could stand the journey there. Though I was in such a state mentally that I'd refuse to dress up any further than black jeans and an old work-shirt. Fuck that was awful.

Anyway. Christmas came, and the agreed 'attempt to get back into work properly' date arrived.

Well, that was a pretty dismal failure. I still have all the emails I sent when I'd only get as far as Leicester Sq and had to run away home.

So, finally, in March 2000, work and I called it a day. With much relief all round.

I'd been handed six week's cash and clearly needed a serious amount of R&R, so I went off for a wander after gun-emplacements with Dingbat for a couple of days. It wasn't nearly enough. Six months would maybe have covered it, but...

And then I found work @ Another, who were only just down the road in Kentish Town, which neatly avoided the problem... And they didn't ask too many hard questions at the interview.

I still found it bloody hard work to stand Camden at the weekend. TCR was *right* out the window, unless I dosed up on the previously mentioned beer and opiates. In point of fact, I was leaning on those painkillers pretty damn heavily at the weekends - hell, I liked going out and seeing people...

And then someone mentioned there was work at HP and houses were cheap. The rest was pretty obvious.

I still find it next to impossible to stand around and wait for any length of time. Crowds? Not a bloody chance - you won't get me in a shopping centre w/o a firearm. Gigs/Camden/Having it average? Yer 'avin a right larf, pal...

Comments

[ladycat.livejournal.com]

Remember EMDR? The kind of therapy I mentioned to you at Whitby? Have you thought any more about it? It was the only thing that changed my life - if you're interested get in touch and I'll try to find somebody in your area.

Take care.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

So what you are describing is, in reality, a bit of a break down, no?
You would be surprised how many of us out there have overcome/are trying to overcome such things.

But TBH, even if one is not, Camden sends the fear of God hurtling through the synapses of all the sensible, sane people out there anyway!

I never understood how people actually like the place.
It makes me nervous and I am a pretty gregarious person, at the best of times!

You did the right thing by getting out of London IMHO.


But...having had to get re-acclimatised to it through no choice...PUNISH(ment) and all that...it does get better.
I am even starting to quite like the drive up and bus journeys...but not the tube!
Never the tube!

Do you think you will venture back to London for, example, a gig you just can't miss?

[aeia.livejournal.com]

What is EMDR?

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Yes. It went in one ear and out the other at the time, unfortunately. Probably because it's so close to the initials of a friend (MDR). If there's anyone in the Bristle aerial, do let me know...

[gothtygrr.livejournal.com]

Wow. i'd say, "i'm sorry you have to go through that" but i'm sure that many have already said that and it doesn't mean much anymore (even though i am sorry you have to go through it) - and i can only begin to truly understand the feelings (i have issues with crowds). What i will say is that i appreciate you sharing this and that i wish there were more understanding people in the world. i will also say that if there's anything i can do - i'm here for you. *hug*

[hirez.livejournal.com]

I guess so. And no, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that most of the people I'm pleased to call friends are card-carrying members of the 'not right in the head' party. Entirely unsurprised, in fact.

(And indeed if the damn thing looks too much like a 'look at me I'm special I have issues' post, then it has failed in its mission and should be put to the sword without delay.)

>venture back to London...

I have no idea. Not so far, obviously.

[liz-lowlife.livejournal.com]

Mr. Hirez...your posts are always humble, insightful and compulsive reading!
No sign of 'special issues where I'm standing!
I wish you wrote more often...

[quercus.livejournal.com]

Energetic MDR

- We take the goth out and tie him to a farking big kite until his head surrenders and he starts enjoying himself again.

MDR is Mark De Roussier, BTW - murder@cix, who you're probably going to know anyway. If on-line life was any more incestuous, we'd be in Arkansas.

[quercus.livejournal.com]

My MTBF for London is a week - no more. I start to hallucinate that the Region Police (who got all the old uniforms from the RUC) are coming to deport me back to my Northerner Banthustan.

And it seems that I can't even make it as far as Rome 8-(

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

The trigger for finally writing that (what, three years after the events) was yet another 'how come we don't see you in London anymore?' email. (Well meaning, I hasten to add, and the perpetrator has already seen a version of this and been thanked for enabling me to get it off my chest)

So clearly I'd not managed to explain what was going on in any useful way at the time, and LJ seemed to be as useful a platform as any...

[hirez.livejournal.com]

"OI! YOUSE! POT THAT FOCKING TRAVELCARD DOON AND KEEP YER FOCKING HONDS WHUR I CAN SEE THEM!"

[reddragdiva]

Of course, when I had my work-induced breakdown, I found Camden and approximations purest locational ambrosia. I'm funny like that.

[jinxremoving.livejournal.com]

wow, sorry it's been quite an ordeal, but well done for getting a good way through it.

i managed to start having panic attacks around about early 2000 and that stayed with me for an uncomfortably long period of time. i managed to cover it up much of the time, though, because i discovered that if i was sober or stoned, i'd be on panic alert, but if i'd had a bit (or a lot) to drink, i felt fine. i was careful not to drink alone or just drink for the sake of it (well ...), but i have to admit i went out and got hammered a lot. so i think people probably thought i was fine.

i'm relieved to have almost finished with it now (i'd say i'm 90-95% ok), and can manage a long claustrophobic bus ride and even - gasp! - a job interview, but i still have to do things like insist on the aisle seat at the cinema, just so i can feel like i have an easy escape route if i ever need it. if that seems obsessive, fine. it's a big improvement on when i just didn't dare go to the cinema. (but there was once upon a time, i didn't even need to give it a second thought ...)

not sure where i'm going with this, but just thought i'd raise my hand and say AOL. in practical terms, i went to a counsellor who was really into bach flower remedies. i still carry rescue remedy around with me although i rarely feel the need to take it now. and its effects might just be a psychological thing, but that'll do just grand.

[mr-tom.livejournal.com]

/me keeps a pint in the pipe for JHR.

I'd like to leave a more meaningful and supportive comment but, being English, can't.

Good move on being more chilled out, BTW. :-)

[ladycat.livejournal.com]

It's a non-talking therapy, see here (http://www.affectivetherapy.co.uk/serv03.htm) for a few details, and here (http://www.affectivetherapy.co.uk/new_page_1.htm) for the rather strange explanation of how it works.

It's a bizarre experience, I don't know why it works, but I was so desperate I would have tried anything, and it turned my life back into my life when I did. I'll ask mum about those practitioners for you Hirez.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

but if i'd had a bit (or a lot) to drink

Lordy, that's way familiar.

I think at one stage I'd have to down a pint of Guinness before feeling fit to speak to anyone else in the bar/venue/club.

I should imagine it just looked like I was more of a pisshead than usual...

[juliann.livejournal.com]

We should found a commune somewhere approx 1 hr out of London. close enough for commando raids in, far enough away that they still have things like parking spaces.

Hmm, cept there's that issue...

[naughtypixie.livejournal.com]

I guess so. And no, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that most of the people I'm pleased to call friends are card-carrying members of the 'not right in the head' party. Entirely unsurprised, in fact.

Ayup. besides, what sort of right in the head person would be still desperately clinging to a 20 year old subculture (opinions may vary) that been dead (no pun intended) for far too many years and the corpse dressed up in pretty colours and toted about by "the youth of today" as the new big thing?

(And indeed if the damn thing looks too much like a 'look at me I'm special I have issues' post, then it has failed in its mission and should be put to the sword without delay.)

Feh. If anything, your journal (as well as a few other select few on LJ) stands out because it's not a constant barrage of such posts four times a day and still wondering why there's not enough sympathy forthcoming. Posting one "issues" rant simply proves to those who don't know you better that this is not an entirely made up journal and that you are actually a member of the human race, though the desirability of that last distinction is rather questionable at the moment.

As for the subject of your post (my, that would be a novel thing to comment on), my personal issues don't tend to actually stop me from entering london (good thing considering my workplace) but you're fully aware of my opinions of massed humans of late, especially if you're still reading my journal, and you have my understanding... even if i'm a complete dick and forget frequently enough to request you drive through london center on saturdays. ;)

[ex-wendles389.livejournal.com]

mine used to be a week, but over the years has gone down to 2-3 days. these days mainly due to horrendous traffic jams and/or the sardine effect on the tube. oh, and the pollution... yuck!

[quis-ego.livejournal.com]

Jeebus, do I feel ever feel stupid for handing you a handful of natracalm tablets from Boots :/
Remember that thing I said about inner turmoil not generally showing on the outside?
It's so true.

[hirez.livejournal.com]

Pish, woman. I had no more idea what was going on than you did then.

[babychaos.livejournal.com]

My hat goes off to you Mr Hirez. Look forward to seeing you on saturday, im sure there will be plenty of rockets and beer, a winning cobination. Heartfelt hugz m-j xx

[aeia.livejournal.com]

Trouble with places about 1 hour away from London is that they tend to be dull as hell commuter towns.

We should all form a commune in Whitby..

Re:

[juliann.livejournal.com]

Whitby, when not WGW, is not really that exciting either. St Albans has a really lovely museum and I could go on and on about the historical luvverlies in Newmarket..

Winchester, now that's got potential too :)

[hirez.livejournal.com]

I'm sure I've gone on about this before (and this is the sort of thing that should be promoted to a Proper Journal Entry) but...

An hour away by what sort of transport? And an hour away from where? Somedays, an hour out of London gets you Barnet, for instance.

While I harbour a Betjeman-influenced regard for Metroland, Andrea's right: Anywhere within close range of London has no soul of its own because everyone buggers off 'up ver smoke' to do anything, so all you really gain is travelling time and the hassle of arranging your life round the train/bus/nominated-driver.

So. Spread the net further and you find... Oxford (expensive, but the bus runs 24 hours), Swindon (No. Sorry, Swindonites... Actually I'm not sorry at all), random flat bits to the east (I think not. I refuse to drive a Ford and have a teenage gf) ... Nah, I kinda like where I am, ta.

Re:

[juliann.livejournal.com]

Well an hour by train is what I'd say, as driving is not on. Oxford, Reading, Winchester. Travel inside London not counting. JUst not Canterbury, that's so yawnable i yawn.

(I made the mistake of living there for a few months once, many thousand years ago)

[kajia.livejournal.com]

I remember this...We did live at the other end of the street and didn't see you much!
I will say that even though I work 1 hour outside of London now, I really don't mind the driving - I'm not sure I could hack the tube for an hour nowadays...it's nice to always have a seat and no armpits. :-)
Hugs, M

[(Anonymous)]

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